In a surprising announcement earlier this morning, Mark Cuban, the billionaire owner of the Dallas Mavericks and the former developer of Broadcast.com, has announced that he’s developing his own gaming system simply because he can.
“I’m building my own goddamn console,” Cuban said, “because I’m really tired of these assclowns in the industry shitting on people with the new consoles. Like, these new consoles, they’re a joke, man.”
A visibly angry Mark Cuban talked about his hypothetical console – which evidently has not yet even started development – for over three hours and took a wide-ranging series of questions from reporters in the audience.
When asked whether or not the console would feature a lack of restrictions on game resales or loaning abilities, Cuban replied, “What a stupid fucking question. That’s not a fucking feature, because you know who else has had that feature? Everyone. Fucking everyone. You know how long they’ve had it? Since forever. For-fucking-ever. My Atari had that shit.”
“Seriously, I don’t get why everyone is jerking off to the fact that Sony isn’t restricting what you can do with your own games,” Cuban continued. “I’m pretty sure ancient Mesopotamia let people keep their own shit once they bought something and that was a fucking bartering society. I don’t call it ‘chivalrous’ when one of my NBA players doesn’t rape a woman. Who do I look like, Phil Jackson? I call it common goddamn decency.”
Later, in response to a question asking why he was focusing his hatred so much more towards Sony than Microsoft, Cuban said, “It’s not even worth my fucking time to respond to Microsoft. A manager of a Dairy Queen could run that company better than Ballmer most of the time – the Kinect has to be on twenty-four-seven? Even after that PRISM shit? I almost respect the guy’s balls here, but at the end of the day, they’re just a bunch of thugs. And yes, Mrs. Ballmer, that includes your son.”
Cuban explained his development and marketing strategy for the new console, saying, “My advisers are saying that I should call it the ‘GameCuban’ but I kinda want to call it the ‘Mark 6,’ just to show everyone that my console will be better than the Xbox One plus the PS4 combined. As for development and what not, Sony is saying their PS4 is going to be $400. $400 for something that doesn’t look any better than the PS3 I already have fucking sitting in my living room? No thanks.”
“Seriously, I’ll spend $400 million just to avoid giving Sony another fucking dollar,” Cuban elaborated. “I’ll spend $400 million to develop a console, even if I’m the only one who plays it. I’ll take another $400 million and pile it up in front of Sony’s offices and burn that shit right in front of them just so that they know there’s at least one guy in America they can’t dick around. For marketing, I want to buy the Bobcats and rename them either the Charlotte Sonys or the Charlotte Microsofts just so that everyone knows how much they both suck.”
Finally, in response to a question about what kind of first-party development the new system would feature, Cuban answered, “Who gives a shit? When was the last time anybody bought a PlayStation because of the first-party games? No one has ever said, ‘Oh, wow, I gotta go buy a PlayStation so I can play Killzone.’ Literally no one has ever said that. I’ll make sure that we have the newest Call of Duty and Madden games since that’s all anyone ever plays anyways.”
“If worst comes to worst, I’ll just buy Rare,” Cuban explained, “I used to play Banjo-Kazooie and Perfect Dark when I was drunk and it was awesome, but now Microsoft can’t get the company to make anything remotely playable. I’ll fix that. If worst really comes to worst and they won’t sell Rare, I’ll just have the contestants on Shark Tank make a game developing company. It’ll make for a fun episode.”
Cuban finished the press conference by saying, “Look, I’m going to make a console and it’s going to be fucking awesome. Unlike this Xbox One bullshit, it’ll actually just focus on playing games. None of this ‘entertainment center’ horseshit. It’ll play games and I might have it play Netflix. That’s it. That’s all anyone ever does on their console. And I sure as shit won’t charge some kind of online fee to do any of this, I’ll host the goddamn servers in my fucking basement if I have to, but it’ll be free.”
At the time of this publication, Cuban was supposedly in the process of buying every used Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3 in the nation in order to run over them with a bunch of monster trucks live on his AXS TV network.